The End of the World as I Knew It

So far, this blog has been mixed up jumble of thoughts and feelings. It has had no real purpose other than to entertain me on boring days when I feel inspired to muse about life. It has been a reflection of me (for good or for bad) and I've lost track of where I planned to go when I started out.

Since my last post, life has changed dramatically. My DS is almost 1 yr (freaking out) and we're planning where to go from here. Until now, I've been content to bounce about my little world without much focus or ambition. I once had ambitions. I once had focus. It's amazing how you turn one corner and you have no idea how you used to feel or what used to get you excited in the morning.

This spring (and the seeming dissolution of several important friendships) has re-energized a need to listen to myself and feel that happiness I considered to be a core element of my soul.

For example, what do I want for a career? Where do I want to live? What is the thing or things that will make ME happy? And, perhaps most importantly, how do I go about getting those things while keeping my family and friends in mind?  I have a husband, a son, three dogs and a cat. I can't wake up tomorrow, pack up and move to Istanbul. I can, however, wake up tomorrow and begin to plant a garden or search for a career or paint a wall.

I'm now a seeker and a doer rather than a spectator in my own life. That, in essence, is my goal for this blog. I wish to share with you my ongoing journey. My only request is that, as I open my life to ye ol' interwebs and consumers thereof, you choose not to be mere spectators. I genuinely want to hear from you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm compelled to climb the very big tree in my backyard. ;) 

Going Gluten Free - Day 0

So, I've struggled with psoriasis for some time now. First, it started as a small patch on my left elbow. It stayed that way for years. Then, I noticed it on my right elbow. Then, my knees. Finally, I found it in one eye brow and on both ears. Still, it was nothing to be alarmed about. I went to a dermatologist who prescribed a steroid ointment and gave me a steroid shot. We agreed that I wasn't severe enough to go with something like stronger.

About 4 months after I had my son, I exploded with spots. I have dime-sized breakouts of psoriasis on my legs and arms and back and butt. I look like a plague patient. I did some research and found out that this kind of flare is normal. I also found plenty of forums and blogs and personal stories that advocate a gluten-free diet to reduce if not eliminate the patches of icky dry skin that feel like you've jumped into a patch of poison ivy in your birthday suit.

With the support of my husband, I plan to go gluten-free as of tomorrow. We swapped out our pasta for gluten-free options and have plenty of fruits and veggies. I'm not sure if I'm up for the challenge, but I do feel like the world is become a friendlier place for people who have to eliminate that sneaky protein.

Have you chosen to go gluten free? Was it deemed medically necessary or was it purely by choice? What is your favorite recipe? Please share in the comments below!

Inside My Closet: Nailene SensatioNail At-Home Gel Polish Kit Review

Once in a blue moon, I run across a beauty product that I'm passionate about.  It has to save both time AND money.  It must be easy to use AND work as it should.  This is exceedingly true of SensatioNail.  I find the application process simple to understand and easy to execute on my own.  While there is no substitute to the pampering you receive at a high-end salon, doing your nails at home can be equally relaxing.  You don't have to inhale the fumes from every other patron's professional job and you can forgo the guilt of wanting to catch up with your bestie on the phone while you're soaking and drying.  You can just lounge in your PJs, turn on your favorite movie, and get beautiful nails at home.  PLUS, the money you save makes a little effort worthwhile.

I first discovered these kits walking around my local Walmart. Then, there were only a handful of colors available and I was a bit hesitant after having a bad experience with an "instant" version of "gel" polish a few months before.  (I can't find the brand now since it was immediately trashed, but it was B-A-D.)  I decided to give this a shot because it looked MUCH more legit.  Oh my gee!  I was sooo right!

{FACTS AND FIGURES}
Manufacturer: Nailene
Website: http://www.sensationailgel.com
Cost: $4.14 (tools and supplies) - $49.98 (full starter kit)
US Vendors: CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Drugstore.com
International Vendors: ASDA Direct, Boots, Gordons Direct, TESCO

{HOW IT WORKS}
The starter kit goes for $49.98 on Walmart.com and can comes with either red, raspberry, pink or french manicure (from the various online retailers.)  It contains gel cleanser, gel primer, color gel polish, gel base and top coat, a double-sided nail buffer, lint-free wipes, a manicure stick, and an LED lamp.  There are individual polishes (approximately $10) sold in various colors and an "essentials kit" (approximately $20 - $25) that will replenish all of the other components in the starter kit (note: the essentials kit does NOT include the lamp.)

There are great tutorials on their website as well as illustrated instructions in the kit, but the general instructions are simple.  After filing your nails and pushing back your cuticles, you cleanse your nails and paint a layer of the primer on each.  You'll apply one layer of base/top coat, two layers of color, and one additional layer of base/top coat with a 30 - 60 second session in the LED lamp between coats.  You'll use the cleanser a second time to remove the residue and... VOILA!  You have a perfect manicure that will last at least two weeks.

To remove the polish, there is a removal kit and instructions.  However, you can use cotton balls, aluminum foil, and acetone just the same at a slightly lesser cost.

I'll post instructions for application and removal later.  After over a year of using this product, I have a few tricks of the trade that might just help you get a better result.  ;)

{RESULTS}

Pros:
I usually have to remove the polish because my nails have grown out long before I have to remove it due to wear and tear.  The polish lasts well past two weeks without chipping and that's after washing bottles by hand, working in a grocery store where I'm constantly doing some kind of manual labor (bagging, cleaning, or sorting money), and taking care of our newborn baby 24/7.  I have had people mistake the french manicure for acrylics (sweet!) and they do not lose their shine until the second you start to remove them.  In fact, the polish is so solid that I have not had a broken nail in about a year.

My nails after 2 WEEKS of wear. :)

Cons:
You're committed.  Unless you want to take the time (about 15 to 30 minutes from start to finish) to remove your polish, you're locked into your color.  Honestly, I see no reason to remove the polish unless you just HATE the color, but you'll want to choose wisely.  I tend to stay with the classic colors for that reason, but I occasionally venture into trendier hues.

{YEA OR NAY?}

Yea all the way.  I'm consistently pleased with the outcome of each manicure I do with this kit.  The colors are beautiful and they have a fair balance of trendy and classic. They even have magnetics and metallics!  So long as this company continues to produce the same quality product and keep up with the latest fashions, I expect I'll be continue to be a repeat customer.

Five Easy Clear Skin Tips

A friend of mine presented me with a problem. "My face keeps breaking out," she said. "I think it's just stress, but it's stressing me out!" I have never really and truly struggled with my skin except the occasional breakout when I've particularly slacked in the skin care department. So, I had to brainstorm. What was I doing right that she wasn't? Was there any way to help her? She washed her face and used over-the-counter medications on the blemishes. So, what to do?!

1. DON'T poke, pinch, prod, or prick!!!
Your fingers, no matter how clean you THINK they are, ARE FILTHY! When you try to clear up your skin my squeezing the blemish, you're really depositing thousands of tiny bacteria that will only make more blemishes or, worse, cause a full on infection. As tempting as it is, HANDS OFF. You are much better off using a treatment rather than trying to murder the little booger yourself. Additionally, watch where you put your hands when you're bored. Are you breaking out on your chin? Chances are good that you rest your hand there when you're thinking or tired or bored.

2. Just say no to desert. Your skin hates to be dry just about as much as you hate to be the last one to hear the office gossip. When you wash your face, the cleanser has a tendency to pull away all the good oils with the gunk. Then, your skin works overtime to keep itself hydrated. The problem is that the oils it produces can cause dirt to be trapped in your pores. Hello, concealer! To ward off the Zit Fairy, use a noncomedogenic moisturizer daily every time you wash your face.

3. Wash thine pillowcase. Even if you wash your face every night (and let's be honest, ladies, you don't) your face still creates oil and, if you have nightmares about missing out on a sale at your fave store, sweat. All of that is soaked up by your pillow protector like Jersey Shore boys soak up summer rays. The extra step of throwing in your pillow case with your weekly laundry will save you days of headache trying to clear up the pimples not washing it can create.

4. Cleanse your communication devices. By the same token, your phone harbors bacteria. Once or twice a week, wipe that baby down with an antibacterial wipe. That means cell phones and desk phones. This is especially important if you share a phone with others. Yes, your mom taught you to share, but I'm pretty sure that stopped at germs.

5. Antibacterial creams are your friends. If you wind up getting a blemish AND you forget rule number one, treat this situation like you would a wound anywhere else on your body... because that's what it is. You've broken down the bacteria's defenses (living comfortably in your skin), but you've also broken down your defenses (your epidermis). Help your face out by sending in the special forces - antibiotics. At night, when it's just you and your secret NKOTB PJs, smear some Neosporin on the open pimple and cover it with a Band-Aid. A couple nights of this kind of TLC should make you right as rain.

Picture Arranging with ZERO Measuring

I'm a stickler for perfection. Given the chance, I will over think things into oblivion. So, when it comes to things that should me more organic, I try to leave my neurotics at the door and allow my eye to take over.

I decided to replace the picture above my couch which was disproportionately small (and from an ex-boyfriend) with pictures of my family and friends. I'm a bit of a picture frame hoarder, but it's not hard to come by unique picture frames at thrift stores and, if the color isn't just right, you can always paint them like DulceCandy87. I decided I wanted a more eclectic look with metallics and colors to match my vintage-y living room.

First, choose a color theme and a general feel for the frames. Mine was easy because my living room is all subdued reds and sage-y greens with darker finishes in the wood and leather couch. Everything else is kept neutral. My husband have an inordinate amount of items passed down to us for people this young. I have old books from my dad and grandmother. He has vintage bottles worth more than I care to think about because they could break so easily.

Next, you have to "measure" the space. For this, I took painter's tape and marked off the area I planned to use for the pictures. This also helps you get a good feel for how much visual space the grouping will take.

Now, move that box to the floor.  This will work on carpet or hardwood or tile or linoleum.  It's even better if you can clear a space directly in front of the area you're going to hang the pictures.  Again, it's just a better visual for how you want to arrange them.

I would next choose a focal point.  Is there a particular picture you want to use as the center or, in my case, a non-photograph item?  The sign I'm using is from our wedding and it just happens to match our living room, too!

For my eclectic look, I decided to separate the dark frames first. I tried just arranging them by eye first and I ended up with half of the grouping being dark and half being light.  I needed a bit more science behind it. Place the dark picture frames (or whatever style picture frames you happen to have that stick out) in a spaced out way around the center object and inside the painter's tape rectangle. If you're using frames that are all the same color, you might want to do this with the ones that have a thicker frame or the ones that will be hung sideways/vertical.

Finally, fill in the other areas with the remaining frames.  I started with the metallic ones so that they wouldn't be right up next to each other.  Then, I went with the colored/brighter frames. Lastly, I placed the neutral frames.

Before you hand them on the wall, play around with the arrangement till you're 100% happy.  This might take a bit... and a cup of coffee, Wheel of Fortune, a few rounds of Angry Birds, a long call with your husband who's on his way back from Houston, and multiple battles with your dogs over who actually owns this floor space you're using.

Perfect?  110% happy?  TAKE A PICTURE! Use your cell phone or your camera to snap a good shot of how you have them laid out.  You could always sketch it, but it's so much easier with technology.  This will serve as a reference with you go banging nails in your wall.

Use the picture to hang the... er... pictures.  It's probably best if you put them up in the order you arranged them on the floor - focal point first.

Et voila!

Now, go get another cup of coffee and work on the laundry...

Recipe Box: Easy Lemon Pepper Chicken Meal (with garlicky baked potatoes and cheating cheesy broccoli)

One day, out of desperation, I came up with this recipe.  It has since become a special request every time one of my girlfriends comes over and a go-to dinner when there's nothing else to cook in the house.  We almost always have frozen chicken and lemon juice (because it's great for deodorizing things) in our house. Minus the defrost time (approximately 30 minutes to an hour), this meal is on the table in 1 hour.  I'm not precise on any of my measurements because I usually wing it in the kitchen.  Frankly, I just hate measuring things. (BTW, these aren't patronizing instructions.  They're written for my domestically challenged friends. :D )

SUPPLIES:
Gallon zippered storage bag
Baking tray
Microwave
Grill
Knife

TOTAL COST PER PERSON: approximately $5

INGREDIENTS:
Lemon Pepper Chicken - Total Cook Time: 10 - 15 minutes
Defrosted chicken breasts (enough to feed your hungry mouths)
Lemon juice (enough to cover the chicken in the bag - I always keep a big bottle of it and just pour till it's covered)
Pepper (about a teaspoon to a tablespoon depending on the amount of juice)
Salt (less than the pepper)
Olive oil (a tablespoon or three depending on the amount of chicken)

Garlicky Baked Potatoes -Total Cook Time: 40 - 50 minutes
Potatoes (probably the same quantity as the chicken breasts.  NOTE: Potatoes are on the Dirty Dozen list, so I go organic)
Garlic powder (about a half a teaspoon per potato)
Salt (about a half a teaspoon per potato)
Butter (about a tablespoon per potato)

Cheating Cheesy Broccoli - Total Cook Time: 7 - 10 minutes
One of those frozen boxes that costs like $1.50 (I mean, who really wants to steam it and cover it in cheese when it's so cheap and easy to buy it premade?!)

INSTRUCTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 425°F.

Slice the potatoes thinly, but not all the way through.  Think "desk organizer."

On the baking tray, put the butter on the top (sliced) part of the potato and try to work as much as possible into the cracks.

Dust the potatoes with the garlic and the salt (you could mix the garlic and salt into the butter before applying it, but I'm lazy and hate extra dirty dishes)

Set your timer for 30 minutes.

Place the potatoes in the oven.

While your potatoes are cooking, place your chicken in the bag (room temp chicken is the best).

Pour enough lemon juice to cover the chicken and add the salt, pepper, and olive oil.  I've made this with and without the olive oil and I always find the chicken is moister with.

Sit that aside to marinate.  I usually leave it on the counter since it's going on the grill in about 35 minutes.  Just keep the dogs away or you'll have lemon pepper kitchen.

Find something else to do for the remainder of the 30 minutes.

When the timer goes off, preheat the grill and scrub it if need be.  You'll want it nice and hot, so give it 5 minutes.

Place the chicken on the grill and reset the timer for 5 minutes.

Check the chicken to verify that it's cooked at least halfway through.  If so, flip it.  If not, leave it.  You'll see that the chicken turns whiter as it cooks.  You want the top to look just barely cooked before you flip it.

Cook the chicken on the other side for about 5 minutes.

At this time, throw the cheesy broccoli in the microwave and follow the instructions on the package.  This usually tells you to cook for 7 to 10 minutes.

Plate things in this order: chicken, broccoli, potatoes.

Et voila!  Everything is cooked perfectly, easily, and at the same time.  ENJOY!

Another Man's Trash is... a Smelly Cat Trap

I have a confession to make...

I am addicted to thrifting.  

It's especially bad if there are negotiations involved.  Thus, I'm a sucker for yard sales and "Half Off Saturday" at Goodwill is a must-do (more on that in a few weeks).

Cindy, my friend since elementary school, and I went yard sale-ing.  Our first stop was an indoor moving sale just one street away from me. First, let me say that I kinda HATE indoor yard sales. You can't do the drive-by how-crappy-is-your-crap scan.  It also always feels like I'm intruding and a little trapped.

Walking up to the house, I had hope.  It was well-landscaped and cared for.  I always question the quality of what's inside if the house is falling apart or the front yard is covered in children's toys.  However, inside did not match the outside.  The first thing we were hit with was B.O. and cat smells.  OMG... nothing worse than that combo.  PLUS, it was hot inside.  EWWWWWWW!!!

I did manage to spot a sweet necklace among the putrid smell of cat urine and over-priced furniture. Listen, asking $2 for a necklace at a yard sale seems a bit much to me, so I decided $1 was fair.  After all, your prices at yard sales should be a starting point.  If you're really set on the price of, say, a lawn mower or bedroom set, just post "FIRM" next to it.  I can respect that, but small items should always be flexible to allow for bundles. After accepting my offer, she tried to guilt trip me into paying more because it was a "really nice necklace."  I mean, "it cost $35." Sorry, sweetie.  Negotiations don't work like that. Plus, she revealed that she received it as a hostess gift for free.  Oye.

We made our way to several dud yard sales, but shopping with a good friend is never really a dud. You get to laugh at some of the ridiculous things people once had in their home and enjoy the fresh air.  She collected some doilies for a table runner project and some high-end baby clothes for a friend.  I found a little over a yard of fabric that will make some cute pillows or curtains ($2) and three adorbs shepherd's hooks with green pots which will serve as a perfect addition to my back patio with citronella candles or sweet little flowers ($2).

Then, she wanted to go to one in a questionable area of town that we just happened to pass by.   Another indoor yard sale?!  Come on, people! And why do all the indoor yard sales smell like cats?! Well, we got there just after someone made off with all the really nice furniture and lamps.  Cindy found some very cute Beatrix Potter tins for her future nursery and I decided to start planning my Christmas decorations by purchasing a Santa Claus coat rack for my entry way ($2).  Now, I can't wait to get it up and do some over-the-top vintage decorations for Christmas this year.

So, all in all, I had a lovely time with a lovely lady, spent only $7 and walked away with some super cute items.

What pet peeves do have about thrifting/yard sale-ing?  Share your experiences in the comments below.

Until next time...         

Sale Savvy Saturday

I'm cheap.

Yup, I said it.

If there was a Thrift Shoppers Anonymous, I would be a card-carrying member... except I have no intention to recover anytime soon.

Nearly everything in our house and in my closet is second hand. If I have to pay full price, I cringe. Surely, there is a coupon or a sale somewhere... even if it's just to save a few cents.

My oasis... my "spa day"... my haven... my respite... my one day a month that's just about me and my little addiction is the first Saturday of every month.  It's a tradition or ritual if you will.  My mother and I load up early in the morning and get our Starbucks fix.  Then, we pop on over to the local Goodwill where everything is half off.  Nope... I'm not kidding.  EVERYTHING. IS. HALF. OFF.

My antique dining room table? $45
Clothes for my baby? $1 a pop
A pair of jeans? $4
A designer blouse? $2.50

Of course, that's not the only thing that happens on a Saturday where you can get good deals.  Yard sales happen on Saturdays and yard sales mean haggling.

Our brand new jogging stroller? $20
One of four wedding dresses I ended up purchasing for my wedding in 2011 (that's another story all together...)? $60
The large area rug in our nursery? $5

And several other thrift shops in the area follow suit and offer blanket sales (50% off the whole store) or selective sales (50% off clothing or orange tags or kids items or furniture).

Our diaper bag? $2
Most of my maternity clothes? $2 a pop

I can't wait to show you my haul every month and share tips and tricks with you along the way.  Happy Hunting!!!

Thoughts For My Fellow Flyers

Consider this a rant just in time for the holidays. I don't fly often, but a couple times a year is more than my parental units... much less than my husband, though. I still get nervous when I check my bags and they leave my protective hands. I still grin like a child when we finally take off and I see clouds outside instead of grass. And I still get the jitters when we land because it never really feels like we're going to slow down enough to fully stop. Over the last few years (we usually only fly to see my DH family in upstate New York and the once-a-year vacay), I've realized that there are some serious issues that should be addressed to make everyone's lives better and trips pleasanter.

1) This is a plane... not your home. Do not take your shoes off. Ever. I suppose the one exception is flip flops. I suppose that is OK. Just bear in mind that few people want to see your feet and even fewer want to smell them. You may think they're fine. Good for you. They're not.

2) My seat is not a pull up bar or a leg press. While I'm sure it's tempting to get your workout in while flying (that's the only thing I can assume you're doing as you pull on my seat back and kick me in my lumbar region), just don't. That is, unless you want me to extend the same courtesy to your face. In that case, kick away.

3) No onions (or sauerkraut or garlic or... anything smelly.) I COMPLETELY understand having to eat on a plane. Layovers or not, it's often a 100 yard dash to make it to your connecting flight and mealtimes are not off limits for such events. You may have to snag a bite when you can and enjoy it on the next leg of your journey. Just do me and everyone else on the plane a favor and order something other than the one thing that smells like death.

4) Your child is not in a vacuum - we can hear them scream bloody murder. I love children. I just don't love fussy children... on planes. Try this: stick a pacifier or a bottle in their mouth. I bet you they aren't mad that they're on a plane. I bet you they're scared because they can't hear and their ears hurt. Unless you can rationalize with them to yawn or try popping their ears (I would kill to see someone have that convo with a 6 month old), help them out. If not for my sanity, for your child's.

5) Bathe. You would think that's simple. You'd, apparently, be wrong. I once flew next to a woman who smelled like boiled cabbage and cheese. Of course, there were other issues like the fact that she had four slices in each ear that made them look like feet and she dressed like a crazy homeless person, but it was the smell that got me. My husband and I turned our air vents toward her at full blast to barricade ourselves from the odorous attack.

6) I am not and never will be interested in what you're selling. My husband and I sat next to guy on our way to our honeymoon who insisted on trying to get us to buy one if his NUMEROUS products. He had a whole business card folder full of his own business cards... from different businesses. After the third attempt, we flat out ignored him. I think he got the hint sometime before we landed.

Letting Go and Letting God: Part 2

After making the decision to keep any buns out of my oven for now, we were hit with the news that I had lost my job.  Perfect.  That's not sarcasm.  Remember, I was miserable there and I completely and totally believe that God has a plan for me.  I turned my attention to getting into school.  I knew that's what I had always been led to do. So, with only a little trepidation, I decided to proceed with reenrolling to my alma mater for one class and applying to grad school for next year.

Talk about hoops to jump through!  I still needed to take the GRE (and do well), but the only way to do that was to drive 3 hours away and take it that week.  Done.  I needed to start shadowing work as part of the admission requirements. Done.  I needed to fill out the application, write an essay, and complete the interview process. Done.

And then we wait... tick tick tick. A whole week till I knew for sure if I got in?!  Painful.

I had found a job (not a great one, but a job) and I turned my focus to that.  But the stress and the nature of my new job got the better of me and I found myself nauseous and tired every day.  By 9 PM every day, I could barely keep my eyes open.  Mornings when I had to be at work at 6 AM made me sick to my stomach.  I got sick with a UTI and nothing sounded good to eat anymore.  I had to force myself to swallow cranberry pills in the morning because we couldn't afford a doctor's appointment for something I could treat at home.  I normally have no issue taking medicine, but I had a ridiculous gag reflex all of a sudden.  My exhaustion and diet caused me to crave things I didn't normally eat like jalepenos.  No one symptom was enough for me to be concerned, but they sure were annoying!

So, I began to overshare on Facebook.  I usually only post good things, but I started to share things like wanting spicy food when I never eat spicy food and getting terrible sleep.  I needed a release for the frustration I was feeling.  Then, came the comments.  Resoundingly, the response was "you're pregnant."  That set me over the edge.  Did no one listen when I told them I CAN'T have babies?!  My ovaries don't want to cooperate!  I'm broken without a reason!  I'm obviously not going to have a child without medical intervention!  Fine, if you're all so sure, I'll test just so I can post the negative result on Facebook!

Oh.

Um.

So, yeah...

I bought 5 tests at the Dollar Tree.  I wasn't going to spend a lot of money and I wanted to have definitive proof that I WASN'T pregnant. The cashier thought it was overkill, but I figured $5 was fine.  So, Sunday morning, I woke before my husband to test that first morning release - supposedly the highest concentration.  If I was pregnant, it would show up now more than ever.  Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.  Wait for it... wait for it...

I froze. TWO lines?!  I'm... I'm... there is NO way.  This is the moment I had envisioned for years.  How I would tell me husband.  It would have to be brilliant, clever, unique.  It would have to be Pinterest worthy.  What did I do?  I crawled back into bed shaking from head to toe and just asked one question of my sleeping husband - "How do you feel about being a daddy?"  His eyes shot open with excitement or happiness or terror (I'm still not 100% sure) and he started kissing me.  It was the best moment I'd had in a long time.

But, what if the test was wrong.  My logical brain knows there are no false negatives.  You can have a  chemical pregnancy, but you were still sort of pregnant for a second.  Regardless of my knowledge of how these things work, I took 3 of the remaining 4 tests.  I then (because I'm a scientist at heart) made my husband take one.  Turns out, I'm pregnant.  He's not.  Later, we bought an EPT two pack.  I took one.  Definite plus sign.  Two days later, I took the second one.  Still very pregnant!

I scheduled a doctor's appointment and tried to calculate how far along I was, but my body is weird.  I could be 2 weeks pregnant or 2 months pregnant.  No telling.  She felt my tummy and said my uterus was already moving in front of my pelvic bone.  It moves?!  Blood work showed that I am between 7 and 12 weeks pregnant.  I was pregnant for at least two months and had no idea?!

In 3 hours, we will have baby pictures taken.  Sure he or she will be black and white and blurry, but it will be pictures of our baby.  Pictures we can frame and hold and show off.  Pictures of a gift that only God can give.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea of being a new mom and a grad student.  I'm still not 100% sure how we'll pull it off.  What I do know is that God would never put anything in my path that I couldn't handle.

Letting Go and Letting God: Part 1

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11 - 13

How insanely true that is.  Rather than bombard you with one lengthy post, I will break my story into bite-sized nuggets of Godly deliciousness, so bear with me.

Many years ago, I got the great news that I was a "woman."  I would experience being a "woman" every month for the majority of my life.  My body had other plans.  Occasionally, it would happen monthly, but more often than not, it would happen every few months or so with no regularity.  This was never a major concern to anyone.  I thought it was a blessing, and being irregular was regular in our family.

Eventually, I met my wonderful husband and we decided to get married and start a family.  Not long into the "trying" process, I started having a cycle every two weeks... for two months.  I became very ill - anemic from the blood loss and exhausted from the pain.  Once, I even passed out while making the bed because lifting the sheet to straighten it was too much of a strain on my overtaxed body.

It was time to see a doctor.  I researched and researched and researched.  I asked my Facebook friends to point me to a good, responsible, intelligent doctor who could help me.  I'll be honest; they were wrong.  The doctor I chose sent me in for blood work that they failed to check before having me drive an hour to their office for a follow up visit and offered me fertility drugs rather than anything resembling a natural solution.  Two ultrasounds and a complete blood workup and physical exam yielded nothing but frustration.  There was nothing wrong with me except I wasn't ovulating.  I could get a period without an egg?! News to me.  Second opinion time...

I reached out again to my friends and read online reviews of various doctors in the area.  All the "really good" ones were booked for months.  I settled for a "good" one and went in to see him.  One word: love!  He was thorough and believes, like me, that medicine has its place and it's not always required.  Much to my dismay, he said that we needed to "reboot" me.  Three months of birth control should do the trick.  And so, I took them.  Every pill.  On time.  Every day.  Hoping that this would fix me... that we would be able to have a baby.

But three months changes a lot.  I began to hate my job and, after searching and searching for a new career path, we decided to hold off on the baby so we could discuss me going back to school and figure our lives out a bit.  The doctor prescribed birth control for the next year and a said to call if we changed our minds.  We wouldn't, of course... God would.

God Has a Plan... Even If It Terrifies Us

But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” And God said, “I will be with you." Exodus 3:11-12

A couple of weeks ago, I received some devastating news.  I know that many people receive this news every day, but that knowledge doesn't help with the sting.  My employer decided it was time to part ways.  I'm not the sole bread-winner so we will survive on reserves for the next month or so, but the departure was unexpected and uncalled for.  I could play the blame game and everyone who worked with me should actually know what kind of company they are working for, but that won't do anyone any real good.  Instead of dwell on the hurt, I'm preparing for a future that was in the game plan for years.

I graduated from college in 2007 with the intention to go directly to grad school for physical therapy.  I don't know why I was drawn to it as a profession.  I can honestly say I was called to do it.  Unfortunately, I chose to let my fear take control of my heart and went into the workforce.  Since then, I have worked in sales and collections.  As one might expect, the world quotas and forecasts is not a comfortable home for someone who wants to use their hands to heal.  I'm simply not aggressive enough to force people into buying something they don't want or spending money they don't have.

But, on the day my previous employer said "good-bye," my life changed.  I threw my hands up to God and told him that I was scared and lost and confused.  I took that job believing it's where He wanted me.  Why, then, had it worked out so poorly?  Why had I been placed in a position that, despite how hard I worked, ultimately ended in failure?  So, with no where else to turn, we went to church that Sunday hoping that being in His house would start the healing process just a little, but I had no idea God would be so obvious with His love and guidance.

As soon as I walked into the sanctuary, I started crying.  (Of course, this would be the one time I hadn't stuffed a random fast food napkin or a pack of tissues in my purse.)  I have no idea what the sermon was about.  I didn't hear a word of it.  I just started silently talking to God.  I've always had that kind of relationship with Him.  As a child, I would dance in my grandmother's living room and tell her I was dancing with God.  Even when I blatantly defied Him, I always felt His presence.  It was still surprising and moving when I heard His response.  I asked Him what I was supposed to do now.  How could I move on and where should I turn?  He just said "I told you."  I knew at that moment what He meant.  He had led me to the right career and life years ago.  He put it in my heart and wanted me to find and follow that path again.  At the end of the service, the pastor got back up on stage.  He said "I don't know who you are, but God just told me that there is someone here who is lost and scared.  He wants me to tell you it will be okay."  I lost it.  I've been going to church for 27 years and I have never had a pastor get up at the end of the service and say that.

I'm reminded a bit of Moses and God's call to him to confront Pharaoh about releasing the Israelites, a daunting request to say the least.  Now, I know that I am nothing like Moses, but it feels like God did put a burning bush in my path.  It felt as though He was saying "Well, FINALLY! Something got your attention.  Now, listen."  Of course, just like Moses, I was reluctant.  What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't get in to school? What if the loans fall through and I can't pay for graduate school?

Remember, however, that God reached out His hand to make the task He assigned to Moses possible.  I had actually met with the head of admissions to PT school the day before I was fired.  He encouraged me to try for early decision (I didn't think that was an option because I still hadn't taken my GRE) and told me that they would accept self-reported GRE scores.  That meant that I had exactly 15 days to take the GRE to qualify for early decision.  Several things lined up so that I was able to take the test in a city 3 hours away the following week.  If I had still been working, there was no chance for me to take the GRE until September.  I also have one remaining prerequisite to take.  Of course, not being employed, I was concerned about the cost.  My husband just received an unexpected bonus that more than covered the cost of the class.  Another note about that class, I wouldn't have been able to take it if I was still working because none of the class times aligned with my current schedule.

I'm not one to "Bible beat."  I very rarely witness to people.  I know that's something I should do more often, but I don't normally have stories that I think are worth sharing and I hate the idea of stepping on toes or offending someone.  The last thing I want to do is alienate someone because of my religion, but God has always been a big part of my life and I certainly don't share His good works enough.  I just wanted to share this story to show just one example of how God moves in our lives.  He may have a plan that absolutely terrifies you, but He will provide a means for that to happen if you truly put your faith in Him and are willing to follow His guidance.  If you make the effort to follow His plan, He will surprise you in beautiful ways you never thought possible.

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