Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thoughts For My Fellow Flyers

Consider this a rant just in time for the holidays. I don't fly often, but a couple times a year is more than my parental units... much less than my husband, though. I still get nervous when I check my bags and they leave my protective hands. I still grin like a child when we finally take off and I see clouds outside instead of grass. And I still get the jitters when we land because it never really feels like we're going to slow down enough to fully stop. Over the last few years (we usually only fly to see my DH family in upstate New York and the once-a-year vacay), I've realized that there are some serious issues that should be addressed to make everyone's lives better and trips pleasanter.

1) This is a plane... not your home. Do not take your shoes off. Ever. I suppose the one exception is flip flops. I suppose that is OK. Just bear in mind that few people want to see your feet and even fewer want to smell them. You may think they're fine. Good for you. They're not.

2) My seat is not a pull up bar or a leg press. While I'm sure it's tempting to get your workout in while flying (that's the only thing I can assume you're doing as you pull on my seat back and kick me in my lumbar region), just don't. That is, unless you want me to extend the same courtesy to your face. In that case, kick away.

3) No onions (or sauerkraut or garlic or... anything smelly.) I COMPLETELY understand having to eat on a plane. Layovers or not, it's often a 100 yard dash to make it to your connecting flight and mealtimes are not off limits for such events. You may have to snag a bite when you can and enjoy it on the next leg of your journey. Just do me and everyone else on the plane a favor and order something other than the one thing that smells like death.

4) Your child is not in a vacuum - we can hear them scream bloody murder. I love children. I just don't love fussy children... on planes. Try this: stick a pacifier or a bottle in their mouth. I bet you they aren't mad that they're on a plane. I bet you they're scared because they can't hear and their ears hurt. Unless you can rationalize with them to yawn or try popping their ears (I would kill to see someone have that convo with a 6 month old), help them out. If not for my sanity, for your child's.

5) Bathe. You would think that's simple. You'd, apparently, be wrong. I once flew next to a woman who smelled like boiled cabbage and cheese. Of course, there were other issues like the fact that she had four slices in each ear that made them look like feet and she dressed like a crazy homeless person, but it was the smell that got me. My husband and I turned our air vents toward her at full blast to barricade ourselves from the odorous attack.

6) I am not and never will be interested in what you're selling. My husband and I sat next to guy on our way to our honeymoon who insisted on trying to get us to buy one if his NUMEROUS products. He had a whole business card folder full of his own business cards... from different businesses. After the third attempt, we flat out ignored him. I think he got the hint sometime before we landed.

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